The Kitty Show
by Morgana T. Goodrich
Summary: Pure insainity for all!
1. Intro

THE KITTY SHOW  
  
By: Kitty & Friends  
  
!!!Warning!!!  
  
Ok, first off, reading these stories can probably screw you up beyond comprehension. That is if you haven't already had obscenities burned onto the inside of your skull. You have been warned. Enjoy! AND REVIEW DAMMIT!!!!!! 


	2. The Adventures of Kitty and Satan Part 1

*IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....DO DO DO!!*  
  
~THE ADVENTURES OF KITTY AND SATAN~ Part 1  
  
By: Kitty  
  
Typed By: Morgana T. Goodrich  
  
Warning: THE FOLLOWING IS THE LASTEST EPISODE OF THE KITTY SHOW. PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REENACT OR RECREATE ANYTHING SAID OR DONE ON THIS SHOW. IT COULD REALLY FUCK YOU UP......AND THE LAST THING I NEED IS ANOTHER LAWSUIT AGAINST ME. GOD I FUCKING HATE THOSE DAMN THING.......COURT IS NOT A FUN PLACE TO BE.  
  
Info inserts: # #  
  
~*~*~* Ok...so my friend Satan...(you know, the guy that runs Hell) is all pretending he doesn't know me. That bastard. Is it my fault that God called him a complete pansy-waist and I didn't stick up for him? I mean...come on...he's God...what did Satan expect me to do?  
  
OK so later, I was walking with Satan in the mall and this really skanky slut bag walks up and starts making fun of Satan's skin color because it's red. I was all like, "Yo' biotch, my man Satan here didn't suffer 300 years and have his people live in lava pits and shit just so you can go and make fun of him!" He was holding me back so I wouldn't beat the shit out of the little whore. Satan was all like, "Yo' Kitty, I can handle this." Then, he incinerated her.  
  
Later, we went back to my house and were watching "Birds of Prey" (ok...confusing name isn't it? One's a cat...another is a fucking bat thing...and the third one is a psychic...where the fuck did "Birds of Pray" come from?) Ok so my mom burst into my room and started screaming, and I all like "What the hell?" Well....apparently.....Satan left the toilet seat up and then the toilet swallowed my brother. Mom got really pissed off when I started rolling on then floor laughing my ass off. She sent me and Satan outside to play because supposedly it was really nice out and I'm pale and shit.  
  
Ok so we're outside and Satan goes, "I invented the post-it." And I was all like, "No you didn't." Then he started bitching about how I didn't believe him and he really did invent them. Come on know...how evil if a fucking post-it? Nobody goes around like "OH, FEAR THE DREADED POST- IT!!!!!!" And he's the prince of darkness? I so could take Satan in a fight. Anyway, back to my story. We were just sitting there soaking up the sun when JAMES MARSTERS!! walks up and starts complaining like, "I know you were the ones going through my trash and selling my coffee filters on E- BAY." I was trying my best not to like...melt at his incredible hotness while I was pretending not to know what he was talking about. Then, I asked him to sign my boobs and Satan got all pissy like "Why don't you ever let me sign your boobs?!" Then I tried to explain that, "Satan, you're my friend...I'm not letting you anywhere near my boobs." He got all mad and turned Spike...#James Marsters plays Spike on one of the WB shows....the show is either Buffy or Angel...I think.#...into David Boreanaz, only with a receding hair-line and a beer belly. Ok...Spike fans..Spike will now be played by David B. with a beer belly. I'm sorry...but Satan signs with a branding iron...and I only have two boobs...and hardly that.  
  
OK so Satan won't turn Spike back to normal until I let him sign my boobs. DAMN YOU SATAN!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME CHOSE BETWEEN JAMES AND MY BREASTS!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ok...so we ended up back in my room with Satan hiding under my desk eating all my Milky Ways and crying like a little bitch with a skinned knee because all the James Marsters fans are after him. David B. (formally known as Spike) is sitting on my bed eating on all my peanut butter M&M's. I think I might have to sell him on E-BAY...but I think the beer belly and bald spot will hurt his retail value. Ok I want James back to normal and covered in chocolate as much as the next person...but it's so difficult to choose between him and my boobs.  
  
Ok so 3 hours later, I'm sitting next to James who's slathered in chocolate naked and chained to my bed, with an ice pack down my shirt. I think somebody needs to introduce Satan to the concept of a sharpie marker. Spike's back to normal and he promised me he would marry me if I let him out of the chains. I was like, "I'll not falling for that one again. It's either wedding vows in chains or you're not going anywhere."  
  
Then my dad walked into my room. Between Satan eating Milky Ways, me with an ice pack between my boobs, and James Marsters chained to my bed, something must have popped into his head. Now I get to visit my new psychiatrist every Wednesday.  
  
NEXT TIME ON THE ADVENTURES OF KITTY AND SATAN: THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES SO STAY TUNED YOU MINDLESS FUCKERS!  
  
*IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....DO DO DO!!* 


	3. Thoughts on Dentists

*IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....DO DO DO!!*  
  
Morgana: Today we have a lovely story about the field of Dentistry from my dear friend Proudshorty!  
  
Dentists  
  
By: Proudshorty  
  
Dentists can be our friends and are very helpful. They help you achieve a splendid smile and help you avoid mouth related diseases like gingivitis.  
  
In order to have straight, perfect teeth, we must inevitably visit the dentist. There's no avoiding it unless you want a mouth full of crooked ass teeth that are as yellow as urine and breathe that has the same distinct odor as.........let's say when TurtleLady (name of wauthor/friend also on ff.net) takes off her shoes.........yes, we all know the smell and we know how painful it is to experience.  
  
So to avoid going through such a terrible ordeal for an excruciating second time, it's in your best interest to see your local doctor today.  
  
Now, yes, doctors can be our friends. I've visited the dentist for the first time a few months ago and I had a splendid time which probably contributed to my nice, funny dentist.........though he had a weird accent I sometimes couldn't understand.....I just nodded and smiled.....but I digress. Not all dentists are kind. There is a dark side to the world of dentistry and unfortunately not all people are aware of this. I, on the other hand, am one of the lucky ones. I, being one of the privileged few bestowed with everlasting knowledge, would like to share my wisdom with the ignorant.  
  
You see, a dentist may act all cherry sweet and cool in front of parents but once you've stepped behind those double doors alone with the dentist.....all hope IS lost. Most evil, well I shouldn't say evil. Lets use the word "misguided" shall we, "misguided" dentists were once vulnerable, sniveling, pathetic wimps who had rough times back in their childhood and their work, unfortunely, seems to be the only outlet they have to release their pain and anguish. This is a good thing for the dentist to let their emotions go, but not for the patient. They, undoubtedly go through hell at the expense of the dentist's warped issues. For those of you who have never experienced this, I can indeed tell you it's not a very pretty sight just as it's not a pretty sight to witness PsychoSakura (also an author/friend) perform god awful things to a Sesshoumaru plushie.....let us all pray that she never become a dentist or even get into Congress for that matter.....*shudders*. As I was saying, most children's instincts alert them to this danger but this instinct gets tuned out and eventually destroyed when your parents lure you into a false sense of security and tell you it'll be alright.....IT WON'T BE FUCKING ALRIGHT! I have a theory that this is all one big conspiracy to plant mind- control devices into children's filings so that they can control the minds of today's youth and future generations. We have reason to believe that Barney and Big Bird have banned together and are heading this organization...not enough ratings for ya? Tsk, tsk. Nevertheless, do not be fooled by false smiles and reassuring words. Don't even buy into PsychoSakura 's essay. She has clearly been converted to the dark side and has become one of THEM. Dentists are our enemy and we must never forget that. I hope you all will heed my warning and take it to heart. Good luck to you all and God speed.  
  
  
  
*IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....DO DO DO!!* 


	4. The Adventures of Kitty and Satan Part 2

*IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....DO DO DO!!*  
  
~THE ADVENTURES OF KITTY AND SATAN~ Part 2  
  
By: Kitty  
  
Typed By: Morgana T. Goodrich  
  
Warning: THE FOLLOWING TEXT MAY CONTAIN INCREDIBLE EXAMPLES OF PERVERSION, STRONG LANGUAGE, DRUG CONTENT, AND NUDITY. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM READING THE FOLLOWING TEXT IF YOU FEAR BEING TRAMATIZED BY THIS STORY. DON'T WANNA LISTEN TO THE WARNING...FINE...FUCK YOU...I HOPE YOUR MIND FUCKING ROTS.  
  
Info inserts: # #  
  
~*~*~* So Satan and I are finally talking again after the whole GOD incident and the branding thing. Ok, so we're at a kegger in the eighth ring talking to Jonathan Davis when Christina Aguilera walks in. I was all like, "Whoa...cool...can we smite her?...Oh please, can we smite her?!?!?!?!" But stupid Satan says that only GOD can smite people. And I was all like, "OH YEAH...That's right, he burns entire cities and turns people into salt, makes some dude blind, and kills a guy for masturbating and YOU turn yourself into a snake...WHOA...BEWARE OF THE SNAKE!!! How did you become the Prince of Darkness anyway?!"  
  
Pfttt...that's probably why GOD called him a complete pansy-waist. Hmm... food for thought. Ok so then Joss Wedon (the creator of Buffy) walks in and starts bitching about how he's not my Boo Boo Pickle-Bear anymore and how I used him to get to Spike...I was all like..."Well...you didn't honestly think I like YOU, did you Joss?" Then he started crying like a little bitch with a skinned knee. That just made my day worse...DAMMIT!!! I really wanna smite Christina A. The moral of this story?...Eighth ring throws the best keggers...screw the seventh ringers...they only serve wine coolers and Brie.  
  
Ok the rest of my day went pretty well until Satan announced that I was to be his virgin bride. WHAT A DICK!!! Apparently, that was the only reason he was hanging out with me. To make sure I wasn't getting frisky with the guys, ruin his plans of bringing forth the antichrist, and end the world. I was like, "WHY ME!?!? I'm your friend!" He said, and I quote, "Do you know how fucking hard it is to find a virgin of the age of consent these days?" Apparently, the FBI was starting to ride him for asking people in chat rooms if they were virgins. I guess I can understand that. So when the world in consumed by flames and dark spirits, you all will know that I finally got some. Wow...how was that for imagery you didn't need?  
  
Ok...being the virgin bride of Satan isn't all that it's cracked up to be. People keep flinging holy water at me and my Catholic friends won't talk to me. WE FUCK YOU GUYS!!! You're just jealous because you don't get to be the mother of the antichrist. Anyway, Satan says I can have Spike when the world ends...but I heard from one of my friends that Satan's gonna turn him into a toad before I get him. Satan and I are going to be having ourselves some words.  
  
So I'm hanging out in Hell, which is no longer frozen over (It was earlier because I said I would clean tables for STMS when Hell froze over...I ended up getting a lunch detention the next day.) I made Satan change it back to normal so I could work on my tan down there...the late time I tried to tan on Earth, I ended up with branded boobies. (They still hurt incase any of you were wondering.)  
  
Anyway, I'm hanging out just waiting of the wedding from Hell, when J.C. from N*SYNC comes down for a visit *CRING* and offers his congratulations in the less then joyous union. He's a pretty nice guy and he's cutting me a deal on the catering cost. He'll sell me one bottle of wine, one fish dinner and one loaf of cheesy garlic bread...but get this; he says he can stretch that out for the five thousand guests attending! Whoa...blow my mind!! This guy is like the Obi Wan Kanobi of the cooking channel. Defiantly a better deal then that Emeril guy or that one fat lady. But there's one catch, he wants to sit with the kids from Hanson...(don't ask me, I didn't invite them.) Satan said he had to have at least SOME of his clients at the wedding. I already "explained" I wasn't sitting next to Michael Jackson. I think J.C. just wants to become the fourth member of Hanson, but how am I to question his sanity?  
  
This whole wedding thing is pissing me off. Satan wants white lilies and I was like, "Oh, I don't fucking think so!!" Then, Satan was all like, "You can't have Spike." Now by then I was on the brink of insanity and Satan had just pissed me off. The bastard was all like, "He's my minion, so you can't have him." That was it. I beat Satan into a pile of bones with my trusty wrench. (Sharpe objects are so overrated.) I'm sorry for all of you who were planning to attend the ceremony, but there will be no wedding until Satan let's me have Spike or comes out of his coma...whichever comes first.  
  
So now, I'm stuck in a prison in Hell where I'm being charged with assault on their beloved Lord of Darkness. Now is it my fault that Satan took away my happy by saying that I couldn't have Spike? No...it's not. I took those damn anger management classes those police made me take. I'm happy to report that they (or the medication) haven't worked. YAY!!!!  
  
Is it just me or does Toby McGuire remind anyone else of Anne Heche and a Chihuahua that has the tendency to wet itself? Sorry...that was WAY of topic. Ok so anyway...just for the record, I'm only marrying Satan because I'm planning to kidnap Spike afterwards. He's in on it and also still chained up so he can't testify against me in court, THANK YOU AMERICAN LAW LOOPHOLES! ~*~*~*  
  
NEXT TIME ON THE ADVENTURES OF KITTY AND SATAN: WE'RE GOING TO KILL OFF KYLE!!! YAY!!!!  
  
*IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....DO DO DO!!*  
  
Oh and just to let you know...people in Mexico don't speck Spanish...they speck Mexican. I know...I know...I was confused too...and I'm positive that it's true because I saw it on TV. 


	5. The Adventures of Kitty and Satan Part 3

*IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....DO DO DO!!*  
  
~THE ADVENTURES OF KITTY AND SATAN~ Part 3  
  
By: Kitty  
  
Typed By: Morgana T. Goodrich  
  
Kitty: By now, you should know the warning I put for this show and GUESS WHAT? It hasn't changed. If you haven't gotten the meaning of my warnings by now, don't continue reading because you're too fucking stupid to understand the following texy anyway. With that said, I introduce the Kitty Show!  
  
Info inserts: # #  
  
~*~*~* ~Death To Kyle~  
  
Spike and I came up with a great plan to kill Kyle Minouge. If you don't know who she is, consider yourself lucky and thank God for the ignorance he blessed you with. We decided that as soon as we kill her, I'd let him out the chains and we would go and take over the world together using the same methods we used to kill of Kyle.  
  
What's this miracle plan you wonder? We're going to train little monkeys to fight and send them to her house and countries all over the world and they'd be like, "Awwww...look at the cute little monkey with its cute little gun...it's soooooo cute!!!" BLAM, BLAM!!!!! "Oh my GOD!!!!! The cute monkey killed Kyle!!!! But it's sooooooooo cute with its little gun...I can't kill him..." It's a foolproof plan because come on, who would want to kill a cute little monkey with a cute little gun?  
  
~~Later~~  
  
Now, Spike and I can't figure out where to dump Kyle's body. The monkey plan was foolproof. SEE!!! I told you but NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! You didn't believe me! No more crappy techno songs from the evil-not really British- whore bag. See I can make the world a better place! The moral of this story: Techno = Death! ~*~*~*  
  
NEXT TIME ON THE ADVENTURES OF KITTY AND SATAN: SATAN COES OUT OF HIS COMA AND TRIES TO CONVINCE ME THAT I DON'T NEED SPIKE AND TURNS HIM INTO A FAG.  
  
By the way, penguins really piss me off. *IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....DO DO DO!!*  
  
~~~~~~~ Morgana: This chapter would have been longer but Kitty sometimes of off the topic really freakin badly. Since most of this chapter was totally off topic, I decided to make a few new mini-stories out of them. Oh, and if any of you are wondering, the stories that I myself have done are still waiting to be typed. I have to get through with typing Kitty's shit first. 


	6. A Look Into The Mind Of Kitty Part 1

*IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....DO DO DO!!*  
  
A Look Into The Mind Of Kitty Part 1  
  
By: Kitty  
  
Typed By: Morgana T. Goodrich  
  
Warning: THE FOLLOWING TEXT MAY CONTAIN INCREDIBLE EXAMPLES OF PERVERSION, STRONG LANGUAGE, DRUG CONTENT, AND NUDITY. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM READING THE FOLLOWING TEXT IF YOU FEAR BEING TRAMATIZED BY THIS STORY. DON'T WANNA LISTEN TO THE WARNING...FINE...FUCK YOU...I HOPE YOUR MIND FUCKING ROTS.  
  
Info inserts: # #  
  
~*~*~* Ok, does anyone else's Mom do this: "Clean you room!!!" "Yes, Mom...." "Don't say yes Mom to me young lady!!!!" Then what the bloody Hell am I supposed to say?! Tell her to fuck off?!?  
  
Do you ever look at the warning labels on stuff? My lawnmower came with this stick showing a man sticking his head beneath the moving blades with a big red line through it. I couldn't figure out why they had that there except that maybe some dumbass stuck his head under a running lawnmower for some fucked up reason and then sued. Common sense...some are born with it, the rest have lawyers.  
  
I swear to God if one more guy calls me Boo Boo Kitty Fuck...it's going to get ugly.  
  
Ever hear the phrase "One hand washes the other?" I don't know why, but that phrase always confuzzles me because...DUH!!! It's pretty damn hard to wash with only one hand. Kinda like one hand clapping.  
  
I have a cardboard cutout of David Boreanaz and it's staring at me. I'm getting freaked out.  
  
I got into an argument with my stapler today. I lost. Damn smart-ass.  
  
Important: Cat's can't fly! But they make great corn dogs. My cat won't come near me after that last sentence.  
  
My Angel cutout mentioned before is secretly in love with my desk lamp, but they can't resolve their inanimate object differences...he's two- dimensional and my lamp's a piece of office equipment who really likes my stapler. (Yes, the stapler that I lost the argument to.) ~*~*~* ~END~  
  
*IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....DO DO DO!!* 


	7. Things To Do At A Buffy Convention

*IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....DO DO DO!!*  
  
Things To Do At A Buffy Convention  
  
By: Kitty  
  
Typed By: Morgana T. Goodrich  
  
Warning: THE FOLLOWING TEXT MAY CONTAIN INCREDIBLE EXAMPLES OF PERVERSION, STRONG LANGUAGE, DRUG CONTENT, AND NUDITY. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM READING THE FOLLOWING TEXT IF YOU FEAR BEING TRAMATIZED BY THIS STORY. DON'T WANNA LISTEN TO THE WARNING...FINE...FUCK YOU...I HOPE YOUR MIND FUCKING ROTS.  
  
Info inserts: # #  
  
~*~*~* Here are some fun things to do at a Buffy convention:  
  
Take a balloon and rub it on David B's head, then stick it to a wall screaming, "HA HA HA!!!! I made static electricity!!! I AM A GOD!!!!!" Be prepared to run like Hell. Those security guys are tubby but fast.  
  
Try to get Spike and Angel into a fight simply to prove once and for all who is the better vampire.  
  
Follow Joss Wedon around with a pad of paper and a pencil. Then, laugh hysterically at EVERYTHING he says, and jot something down while muttering, "Genius, pure genius! Too bad I have to kill you."  
  
Follow Allyson Hanigan around with a flute yelling loudly, "Guess what I did at band camp!!!!"  
  
Jump Michelle Tractenburg screaming, "I'll get you Penny, and your little dog too!" (This works best if you're wearing a claw and know who Inspector Gadget is.)  
  
Run around with a tazor trying to zap James Marsters while yelling, "It's Hostile 17!!! Get him!!!"  
  
Jump on the stage while the cast is answering questions and start singing, "I'm A Sweet Transvestite." (This works best if you're wearing a few frank- n-furter outfit, bustier included.)  
  
Dress up as Dr. Evil and chase after Seth Green saying, "Don't you love Daddy?"  
  
Dress up like the Buffy-bot and follow James Marsters around asking him if he wants to ravage you now, (This works best if you're obviously a guy.)  
  
~~ Things to do AFTER the Buffy convention:  
  
Frame all of your brand new restraining orders. ~*~*~* ~END~  
  
*IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....IT'S THE KITTY SHOW....DO DO DO!!* 


End file.
